Grief, Friendship and the End of the World
Seeking the Wisdom of 2020
I thought 2019 was wrought with challenges. My two best-friends lost their close people, one losing her partner to cancer within seven weeks, and my oldest friend losing her dear father to suicide. 2019 was about pushing a boulder up a hill and hoping it would reach the top and we would still be safe in its wake; it was about radical truth, not fearing to say the wrong things, peering into the face of grief and really holding space with someone in pain. I learned a lot, at the expense of course of my two besties being on challenging grief journeys: something society does not prepare anyone for. I gained perspective about the power of kindness, care and support and the immediate demand for authenticity in the face of death.
Through facing the darkness of 2019 and staring into the abyss of grief through my friends, I feel more prepared to face our current global crisis; amidst the forest fires, climate crisis, a new turning point lays before us all as we face COVID-19 and this global pandemic.
I have a strong memory of sitting with Mira at Hogtown Vegan in Toronto, a few weeks after her partner Brian died, and us both thinking: “Is everyone just asleep?” Grief, and my experience of it through my friends, is a radical call for us all to wake up because at any moment what you love, might be lost. At any moment the delicate balance that we think is so stable, becomes translucent. This realization forces us to see our planet Earth in a new way, where this loss of biodiversity demands a whole new approach to how we speak about loss, how we approach death and how we talk about the pain. It demands a new way of living together on this delicate planet.
Another step through the fire in 2019 was about radical authenticity. I found myself ending toxic relationships, pushing people away and harnessing a stronger sense of self, truth and commitment to my values. Crisis calls for radical authenticity because in that moment, all you have is yourself, your beliefs and the chosen people in your life. This is what we cling to, to keep our feet tethered to the earth as it becomes groundless.
Today I woke up and wrote down my dream. I couldn’t see clearly and an old familiar friend was there who held my hand and showed me the way to the other side of a river. I feel like this was a metaphor for what is needed today: friendship and support.
As we continue to be in a state of emergency in Ontario I find myself in self-isolation and suddenly also single, as the pressures seem to be overwhelming my relationship. We are living in radical times. We are all overwhelmed. And, we are all facing a dramatic shift in energy that demands immense compassion, care and kindness for one’s self and one’s body in order to then tend to those around us, and the Earth. In our isolation, ironically, we may find we are becoming more connected as the moment demands it. The old-fashioned telephone call reappears.
With all this being said, I feel the kind of attention we require is the same approach one has to a grieving person: we must listen intently, we must not be afraid to say the wrong things, we must be radically authentic and we must learn to hold space with the darkness.
So, from my couch to yours, I am sending you an open heart as we take steps in a new direction, together.
By Coleen Shirin MacPherson